Interrogation Insanity and other such Nonsense
by Scotland's Fiery Rose
Summary: Beckett and Mercer capture me how'd i get back in their time anyhows? and are determined to interrogate me. But I intend to drive them batty! R&R! WARNING YOU MAY SNORT YOUR DRINK WHILE READING THIS!
1. Chapter 1

(I am sitting in Beckett's office with a giant mug of expresso coffee)  
Beckett walks in.  
Beckett: Ah, our little prisoner. Now for your interrogation.  
(I slurp down last of coffee.) OKAY!  
Mercer: (grabs mug away) Crikey, what's it she's been drinkin?  
Me: COFFEE! (starts bouncing up and down in seat)  
Beckett: O...K. (he sits at his desk and sips his tea)  
Me: (after long pause) You know what they color that stuff with, dontcha?  
Beckett: Pray tell, what, oh smart one?  
Me: Well, since the tea just HAS to be brown, ye ol' fuddy duddy farts figured out a way to stain it into fooling people that it's naturally that way! And they use.  
Beckett: Yes?  
Mercer: Yes?  
Me: SHEEP'S DUNG!  
(they both stare)  
(Beckett slowly lowers his tea cup from his mouth)  
Beckett: Your comment was not asked for.  
Me: I know. I like flowers. I like red flowers and blue flowers and pink flowers and flowers that smell like candy and white flowers and orange ones and-  
Beckett: CEASE AND DESIST!  
Me: Okay. (starts humming)  
Mercer: What is that you are humming?  
Me: I'VE GOT A LOVELY BUNCH OF COCONUTS, DEEDLY-DEE, THERE THEY ARE A-STANDING IN THE ROAD-  
Beckett: Silence!  
Mercer: Aye!  
Me: OKAY! (starts clicking mechanical pen again...and again...and again)  
Beckett: STOP IT!  
Me: OKAY!  
Beckett: NOW for your interrogation!  
Mercer: Where are you from?  
Me: A galaxy far far away.  
Mercer: the truth!  
Me: Okay. I'm from the magical land of pixie hyenas that have glittery pink wings and say "murf.  
Mercer: BE SERIOUS!  
Me: I'm from...Tibecuador!  
Mercer: Is that even a country?  
Beckett: I do not know.  
Me: Of course it's a country! It's between Tibet and Ecuador!  
Mercer: Hmmm.  
Beckett: Next question please.  
Mercer: all right. Why are you here?  
Me: To kill you slowly and painfully, feed your bodies to a ravenous ten headed hydra, take over your empire, enslave the planet, strip the earth of its natural resources and then take my conquest to Mars with my armies of fire-breathing ninja penguins with jet packs and laser swords.  
Beckett: That is nonsense!  
Me: I KNOW! HA HA!  
Beckett: (who is ticked) WHY ARE YOU REALLY HERE?  
Me: OK! I admit it! I'm the one who assassinated King George! It was all me! And I ate his liver!  
(they both stare horrified)  
Beckett: You traitor!  
Me: Technically that's a misnomer, because I am not a citizen of England or the Empire.  
Mercer: You shall hang!  
Me: OOH! I LOOVE HANGING! Always gets that crick out of my neck!  
Beckett: Don't you even care that your life is in jeopardy?  
Me: Well, I always feel that...when the going gets tough, you know what you gotta do?  
(they both stare)  
Me: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, what do we do, we swim, swim swim.  
Mercer: Shut it!  
(Jones comes in)  
Jones: Why in blazes did ye summon me here?  
Beckett: This mentally afflicted individual has not responded to our methods. Your presence may assist our progress.  
Me: HI DAVY! (waves)  
Jones: Good grief.  
Beckett: Now tell us again...WHERE ARE YOU FROM?  
Me: Boggy holler!  
Mercer: I thought you said Tibecuador!  
Me: BOGGY HOLLER IS IN TIBECUADOR YOU PINHEAD!  
Beckett: I doubt that either of those places are real!  
Me: You're right...neither of them are real...because it's all an illusion...we are locked in the Matrix.  
Beckett: What is she talking about?  
Me: REALITY IS FAKE! WE ARE ALL DOOOMED!  
Mercer: Stop it and be serious!  
Me: Ok. (frowns and looks as if I'm ill)  
Beckett: What is that expression for?  
Me: It's my declaration of frowardness toward all humanity. FEEL THE RUE!  
Mercer: What entitles you to agitate the East India Trading Company?  
Me: The Emanciperation of Constipation Proclamation!  
beckett: What?  
Me: AS SET FORTH BY THE KNIGHTS OF THE TRIANGULAR FOOTSTOOL!  
Mercer: She IS mad!  
Jones: No kidding.  
Me: HI DAVY! (waves)  
Beckett: SHUT UP!  
Me: You hurt my feelings! (crosses arms and clams up)  
Mercer: Now TALK!  
Me: Okay. I like butterflies and ladybugs and dragonflies and the flies that eat poop and the little maggot worms that infest rotting corpses and those freaky scarab things from the Mummy that eat human flesh and rhinoceros beetles and stink bugs and aphids and ants and those weird things that live in the walls of my house and cicadas and cockroaches. Ooh did you know that a cockroach can live for weeks without its head and the head can live for a day without its body? Beckett: NOT THAT KIND OF TALK! I mean tell us what we WANT to know!  
Me: What do you want to know?  
Beckett: EVERYTHING!  
Me: Okay. In the beginning was a speck. A tiny speck called Id.  
Mercer: Not...more...NONSENSE!  
Me: Party pooper!  
Beckett: that's IT. Jones, take this female aboard the Dutchman and stick her in the wall for all I care! I GIVE UP! (runs out crying)  
Mercer: Uh..yah. (runs after Beckett)  
(I turn to Davy)  
Me: Now you see why I said it'd be a cinch to scare them silly?  
Jones: Indeed I do. (picks up coffee mug) What on earth?  
Me: smiling wickedly It's expresso coffee. Want some?  
(we both grin evilly) 


	2. Interrogation again! and then some

MORE INTERROGATION INSANITY!

Beckett and Mercer walk in on me while I'm meditating. Y'know, the whole lotus-position OMMMMM deal. anyways...

Beckett: I see that even Jones couldn't stand having you on his vessel.  
Me: Ommmmmm...He says I scare his crew, and that I make Maccus wet his pants. I'm not that scary am I? Ommmmmmm.  
Mercer: We still have yet to worm any information out of you...which we have sworn to do!  
Me: Really? You like me that much? So much that you want to know where I live so we can send each other pretty postcards and souvenirs and funky collectible stamps and-  
Beckett: NO! (calms down). We are here for strictly military purposes.  
Me: Aw, poot. I was enjoying our friendship.  
Mercer: Friendship? (scowls)  
Me: Yes.  
Beckett: Awkward...UGH! (loses temper again) BACK TO THE SUBJECT OF INTERROGATION!  
Me: Okay. Ommmmmm.  
Beckett: STOP THAT!  
Me: Why?  
Beckett: ITS DISTRACTING ME!  
Me: It's part of my ongoing quest to balance my karma and acheive total inner peace!  
Mercer: If there even IS any.  
Me: Maybe YOU should try it!  
(Mercer ponders)  
All right, I'll have a go. (sits beside me, crosses legs and breathes deeply)  
Beckett: WHAT? WHAT THE DEUCE? UP YOU IDIOT!  
Me: SHHHH! He's trying to acheive inner peace and you're detracting from his balanced mental state!  
Beckett: MERCER GET UP NOW!  
Mercer: OMMMMM.  
Beckett: FINE! I shall do this myself! What, i repeat, WHAT is your real name?  
Me: Lady Escargo Pudding of Hogwartshire!  
Beckett: I am not believing that rubbish.  
Me: How do YOU know that's not my real name?  
Beckett: Because it's a perfectly stupid name, that's why.  
Me: Heck, I've heard worse. I knew a kid named Gertrude Jeremiah Plugg. For one, who puts a girl's name and a guy's name in one name? Two, who is that cruel to their kid?  
Beckett: Really?  
Me: Yes.  
Beckett: I refuse to believe that either.  
Me: Have it your way, then.  
Beckett: WE'RE GETTING OFF THE SUBJECT AGAIN! What is YOUR NAME?  
Me:I don't know.  
Beckett: Of course you do. Everyone has a name.  
Me: Who are you?  
beckett: Um...you know who I am! Stop playing the fool!  
Me: Ooohhh...are you my conscience?  
Beckett: What?  
Me: No, you can't be my conscience...he's a lot taller, and he has fangs and a bloody chainsaw and a hockey mask.  
Beckett: (now super annoyed) MERCER GET UP THIS INSTANT!  
(mercer remains motionless)  
Beckett: Good grief. (kicks Mercer, whose eyes snap open)  
Mercer: I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF THE UNIVERSE!  
(all stare)  
Beckett: Reeeaally, now. What is it then?  
Mercer: (pale and drawn) It is so simple...yet so complex...and so amazing...so vast.  
Me: WHAT? I WANNA KNOW!  
Mercer: I cannot say...it is too immense.  
Beckett: Oh, out and be done with it already! This isn't an interrogation it's a bloody joke!  
Mercer: All right...I think I can say it without passing out...(leans in and we all listen) The secret of the universe...is...UP IS DOWN!  
(Beckett faints, it is SOOO powerful)  
Me: That's it? That's the secret of the universe? I thought it would be great, like, "All concrete is actually chocolate" or "Every crack in the sidewalk is a gateway to another dimension and that's why they tell you not to step on it". WHAT KIND OF A SECRET IS THAT?  
Mercer: I discovered it while lost in the outermost regions of my mind.  
Me: Whoooaaa...you found your brain? MONUMENTAL DISCOVERY FOLKS!  
(Beckett pops back up) Mercer, that was...astounding, but...WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE INTERROGATING THIS WOMAN!  
Mercer: Quite right. (stands back up)  
Me: You both know that no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER get anything out of me save chaos and confusion.  
Beckett: We shall see about that.  
Me: Oh well, more fun for me'  
Mercer: We found a way to break you.  
Me: Oh really?  
Beckett: YES! (plunks coffee cup with coffee in it down on table)  
Me: Ooh, coffee! (chugs the whole thing down)  
Beckett: Now you will feel the might of the Empire!  
(suddenly I start having seizures, gasping and choking. I writhe and roll on the floor)  
Me: (in between death gasps) Wha...is...that!  
beckett: Behold...DECAFFEINATED COFFEE!  
Me: No...caffeine...can't digest...inferior drink...brain cells dying...no energy...life draining from my body.  
Mercer: Now tell us your name!  
Me: Dixie...pirate...davis.  
beckett: ANOTHER FALSE NAME! Your REAL name, or it's more decaf for you!  
Me: Nooo...you don't understand...this is a fanfiction...I'm an author.  
Mercer: Huh?  
Beckett: WHAT?  
Me: (burps) Ok, I'm done with my reaction. Aah, that felt good.  
Beckett: What you said...what is a fan-fiction?  
Mercer: Yes, and be quick! I don't like the sound of that!  
Me: Oh, yeah. Okay guys. You two were lucky enough to even be INCLUDED in this comedy...now that you've hurt me with that...that...that cup full of acid rain, I am going to have to punish you. AND DISNEY CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT! You will learn the awful wrath of an angry authoress!  
Beckett: No, please, we had no idea...we didn't know.  
(I pull out my book of fanfictions and start writing)  
Mercer: What's she doing?  
Beckett: GET THAT BOOK AWAY FROM HER!  
(suddenly they both vanish)

(in another dimension, far from the Endeavor and PotC)  
(Beckett and Mercer are sitting on a couch in a basement. It is raining outside and they are alone, save a table and a flickering lightbulb)  
Beckett: Where are we?  
Mercer: I don't know.  
Beckett: Rather nasty sort of place, isn't it?  
(Suddenly the floor cracks open. Out of the swirling fiery haze rises a chainsaw wielding zombie with fangs, a hockey mask, blood and meat all over his clothes, and fire coming out of his eye sockets)  
Beckett and Mercer: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH! (they start running)  
Me: (from outside the window) Ah, NOW I remember where I left my conscience! 


	3. Chapter 3: THE CONSCIENCE RETURNETH

Interrogation Insanity PART THREE!!!

(I am sitting in Beckett's office once again, this time under charges of attempted murder of Beckett and Mercer ***read part 2 to see why, bwahahaha!* **They are covered in soot and are totally singed, and very angry at little old me)

Me: Aw, c'mon guys, it's not MY fault that my conscience doesn't like you...

Beckett: IT MOST CERTAINLY IS! That...that THING attempted to dismember me!

Mercer: And me!

Me: He just wants to play...

Beckett: Why do you have a demonic subhuman zombie as your conscience ANYWAY???

Me: Quit yelling! OK. So maybe I need to check on what my subconscious peoples do in their spare time. It ain't MY fault that he has a bloody chainsaw... and stuff. And his name is FLUFFY!

Beckett: FLUFFY????

Mercer: HUH?

Me: Yah, Fluffy. What would you rather me call him, Freaking-Scary-Possessed-Thing-from-the-Third-Ring-of-Hades?

Beckett: Well...

Mercer: Yes, that would be most appropriate.

Me: I like Fluffy better.

Beckett: YOU ARE INSANE!

Me: I like being psycho. It makes me happy. (does evil demonic grin)

Beckett: So I've noticed. Well, we have decided to forgo a trial and hang you on the spot, so that we can continue our plot to rule the world and not have to deal with your STUPIDITY!

Me: (sings) _"Everybody wants to rule the world..."_

Beckett: DO YOU NOT EVEN CARE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO DIE?

Me: I said quit yelling! And how do you even know that I CAN die?

Beckett: Ugh..... (starts grinding teeth, a vein is bulging on his forehead)

Me: That looks unhealthy, mate. Might wanna watch that blood pressure.

Beckett: ENOUGH! Mercer, take her to the Dutchman and lock her in the brig! We will hang her as soon as we reach Port Royal!

(Change of scene. I am now inside the Flying Dutchman's brig)

Me: Smells like week-old tuna in here.

(Koleniko stalks in and starts mopping the floor)

Me: HI.

(Niko looks at me weirdly)

Me: I said, HI.

(Niko is just staring at me)

Me: O.....K. Sprackenzee Engleesh?

Niko: What the bloody blazes is that supposed ta mean?  
Me: It's Foreignese.

Niko: Weird wench. (turns around and goes back to mopping the floor)

Me: (after long silence) What's your name?

(Niko mumbles, not really wanting to talk to me)

Me: Did you just say _Colitis?_

Niko: I SAID "KOLENIKO!"

Me: Yeesh! Touch-y!

Niko: Now shut up an' let me do my work!

Me: Okie dokie.

(I start humming some silly song, off key of course)

Niko: Stop that racket!

Me: Fine!

(I start doing what Donkey does on Shrek 2...y'know, the whole mouth-pop thing)

Niko: Will. Ye. QUIT!!!

Me: Jeez, someone sprinkled grumpy pills in YOUR cereal!

Niko: Why are ye even here anyway?

Me: (happily) Because I am a burning hot thorn in the flesh of the EITC!

Niko: I believe it.

(He goes back to mopping. I am quiet for a full five minutes. Wow.)

Me: I just thought of a wunnerful nickname for you.

Niko: What???

Me: FUGU!

Niko: HUH?

Me: Pufferfish. The edible kind. Tastes good, but there's always the possibility of being poisoned to a slow and awful death. I eat mine with fudge. Yummy!

Niko: Um...ugh. Where do nut jobs like ye come from anyhow?

Me: Mars. Or something like that.

(Penrod comes down to see what the fuss is about)

Me: OOH! SCRIMPS!

Penrod: Huh?

Me: My personal word for shrimp.

Niko: Oh great, more nicknames!

Penrod: Wha...?

Me: YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME HUNGRY!

Niko: Don't worry, at least she don't call ye "Fugu".

Penrod: FUGU? (snickers)

Niko: Bugger.

Me: Actually, all of you qualify to be called "tastes good fried and dipped in marinara sauce". THIS WHOLE SHIP IS A GIANT FREAKING SUSHI BAR!

Niko: Yer a loony!

Me: Nope, I'm just hungry. Y'know, I could use a good plate of fajitas and fried jalepenos. Ooh, and haggis with chocolate sauce! And kidney pie with mint chocolate chip ice cream! And pickled apples!

Niko: YUCK! I'd pick raw fish over that combination!

Me: Ah, phooey. I'm just hungry!

(Both of them look at each other, then scram for the deck)

Me: ANTISOCIALS!

(I glance at the seaweed hanging from the ceiling)

Me: Wonder if it tastes anything like canned kale. Too bad I don't have any mustard.

(I stand on tiptoes and lick seaweed)

Me: BLECH! But it has a nice aftertaste...salty yet sweet...bitter...but good! Tangy!

(I lick it again)

Me: Worth a try... (I yank down a wad and stuff it in my mouth)

(Penrod comes down again)

Penrod: Clanker? Clanker, get yer mangy hide up here or-

(he sees me with seaweed hanging out of every corner of my mouth)

Penrod: HOLY HALIBUTS! SHE'S ET CLANKER!

Me: Mmmmmffff?

Penrod: CANNIBAL! (runs up on deck shrieking)

Me: (swallows seaweed) Huh?

(Maccus, Jimmylegs and Ogilvey come running down, angry)

Maccus: What's all this about Clanker bein' et?

Me: Um...I got hungry and...

Penrod: Y'SEE? SHE CONFESSES!

Me: I ate some SEAWEED from the CEILING, dorkfishes!

Maccus: Told ye yer an overreactin' wuss. (hits Penrod)

Me: Meanies.

Jimmy: If she ain't et him, where is the lout?

(Clanker comes strolling in)

Clanker: I just met the strangest sort o' person...

Maccus: (jerks thumb at me) What, her twin?  
Clanker: Not exactly...

(My Conscience-- aka The Chainsaw-wielding, seven foot tall, blood-and-gore covered, hockey-mask-wearing, fiery-eyed, fanged monster from the Bad Place, walks in. With his chainsaw)

Me: OOH! My Conscience returneth!

Conscience: BWAAARAAAR!

Me: Um, he says "Hi." Or was that "die"?

Conscience: RAAR!

Me: Yeah, it was "die".

Maccus: What in the infernal pits is THAT?

Me: Um...y'know, I really don't have a clue! All I know is that one day I messed with the legions of demons and they cursed me by ripping out my conscience and sticking HIM in its place. So now he's my Conscience.

Clanker: Blimey.

Conscience: BWAAAAAR!

Me: Um...he either said "I want a cookie" or "I am going to disembowel you all and eat your entrails with maple syrup". I'm not very good at translating his language.

Maccus: Er...(backs away) Perhaps we should leave...

Clanker: I agree.

Penrod: I'M TELLIN' THE CAPTAIN! (runs out)

Me: Scaredy-shell!

Conscience: RAAAAAAAR!

Me: He said "Run you fool, you shall be next in my dark harvest!"

Maccus: I'm outta here!

Clanker: Me too!

Jimmy and Ogilvey: DITTO!

(they exit hastily)

Me: Conscience, why is everyone scared of me?  
Conscience: BLAAAAARGHAAAAR!

Me: Hmmm. Maybe I AM a little TOO evil...

Conscience: YAAAAAAARAAGHAAABWAAAH!

Me: No, I don't think I need counseling...

(Davy Jones stomps down, recognizes me and rolls his eyes in exasperation)

Jones: YE AGAIN??

Me: Yep! And this time my Conscience came too!

Jones: Ye actually have a-- (takes in Conscience's evilness) What the-

Me: I know, I know...what can I say, he's intimidating!

Conscience: RAAR!

Me: I said INTIMIDATING, not UGLY!

Jones: What IS he?

Me: Ummm...my Conscience! And his name is Fluffy!

(the expression on Jones's face is something between confusion, shock, stark raving madness, and frustration. There is no word for it.)

Jones: Ye...are...DAFT.

Me: Naw, Sherlock.

Jones: What d'ye plan to DO with him ANYWAY?

Me: Well...I'm in here because I sicked him on Beckett and Mercer...

Jones: (grins evilly) Oh, a worthy crime.

Me: You KNOW, you _could _give me something to pick this stupid lock with, and then I and my demented Conscience could go back to official jobs as Pains-in-Beckett's-Tush...

(Jones considers)

Jones: Do what ye will, just stay away from my heart!

Me: Aw, you mean I can't eat it?

Jones: (horrified) NO!

Me: Just kidding.

(He tosses me a small wire. It hits me in the eye. Heck, I stink at catching...)

Me: OW OW OW! OW! Barnacle farts, that hurt!

Jones: Yer hilarious when yer in pain.

Conscience: BWAAAR!

Me: He says "Me eating your entrails, that's what's hilarious." Conscience, don't be rude!

(Elsewhere, thirty minutes later on the Endeavor...)

Beckett: (sips tea) At last we shall be rid of that insolent brat. Port Royal is just in sight!

Mercer: Amen.

Beckett: But I wonder...do you suppose she can be killed? She might be a demonic witch!

Mercer: We can still try.

(The door bursts open. Standing there is the Conscience in all his gory glory, revving up his chainsaw, and me with a cheese grater and a butcher knife)

Beckett and Mercer: AAAAAAAAAGH!

Conscience" RAAAAR!

Me: He says HI!

(lots of static, interference, and flickering)

(computer voice starts talking)

***THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN CUT SHORT DUE TO GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, DISTURBING CONTENT AND DETAILED SLAUGHTER***

(I come onscreen)

Me: Aw shucks! They cut out all the GOOD parts. STUPID EDITORS! (sees editor hiding behind a console) BLOODWRATH ON THE EDITOR! (charges while wielding steak knife)

***THIS PROGRAM HAS ALSO BEEN CUT SHORT DUE TO-***

Me: SHUT UP! (starts beating automated voice machine with editor's severed arm)

END OF PART THREE!


End file.
